Confession

There is an element of posting all of these pictures that is hard – it's hard to see myself this way – in a wasted body...a shell of what I used to be.  I usually avoid looking at this reality, and live more in my mind and in my imagination – where the dreams of what could be reside.  I think it's a way of coping, preserving sanity sometimes.  

But, again, this is an exercise in my truth, as it is (and it's not always glamorous).  I have a meditation that I like (I've been listening to it since before I came here), and in one of the parts it says: more and more I can appreciate my body, be conscious of it, and fully inhabit it.  This takes on new meaning now.  What does it mean to fully inhabit one's body?  I think it means acknowledging it – not denying it.  It means looking at this person, with all her imperfections, and saying, YES, that IS me.  It means being present in my body – feeling the weakness, not fearing it – and then willing myself to move (no matter how small)...again and again.  Perhaps this process – of fully inhabiting ourselves (our whole beings) – is how we begin to shift out of wishful thinking and into the actual manifesting of our desires (whatever they are).  I've always been curious about this – for it seems that simply wanting something (no matter how strongly), doesn't necessarily create it.  (If you're interested, I find this guided meditation to be really lovely.)

I think I was a little naive prior to coming here about the degree of hard work this was going to take.  I was fully prepared mentally and emotionally to work for it...but it's different to actually be here and experience it.  This is a gradual process...it's about consistency and discipline.  It's not like you get an injection and feel improvement the next day.  You have to start where you are – which can be uncomfortable and hard and frustrating.  Sometimes they ask me to do something that seems so basic – lean forward slightly with the trunk of your body and then lean back.  It takes everything in me, all of my concentration, to make that part of my body move.  But there is great satisfaction in that as well – in giving something your all and feeling those long ignored muscles, as weak as they are, move.